A client asked me to write a letter to persuade Jeremy Clarkson to propose to his wife…..on his behalf.
I hope, or else that’s just weird.
I’m a great fan of yours, you’re just the kind of man I’d want to be if I were a 7 foot tall man with terrible hair from Romford.
In fact, I think you’re the greatest man to come out of Rotherham. Yes, that puts you ahead of the Chuckle Brothers. I want to share some great news with you; I’m going to propose to the most wonderful woman in the world. How wonderful? She said there were only two and a half men she truly admired. Her dad, you, and well I’m the half. She still’s half sure about me because I used to drive a Mitsubishi Eclipse[blame the Fast and the Furious sorry] and now I’m driving a BMW 7. Good yes, but not quite a McClaren P1. It’s been her life ambition to have you flirt with her in the Top Gear studio, whilst also making fun of my American accent and probable ownership of an unreliable GM pickup.
But her, she’s perfect. Just as you once described an Alfa Romeo as Cameron Diaz with wheels. Well, if my special lady was on roller skates she’d be a perfect Alfa Romeo, yes she’s that special. And that’s why I want to ask a favour of you? Could you come and join us when I put the question to her, nope not should I buy a newer model 7 with a rally pack. But the other one, will she be my wife till death do us part or I get a car with recycled, wood panelling and a battery for the engine, designed by the European Union.
I can guarantee a great dinner and a kick ass night out in NY’s Time Square. I’m going to pop the question to her on the Brooklyn Bridge! Don’t worry it’s completely level. So there’s no danger of you needing to mention anything about a slope on a bridge. She’s a special girl, even if she drives a VW Jetta….an automatic…..in Diesel……that was probably made in Mexico. But she’s a wonderful girl and I think you could show her the error of her ways. You need to join us, we bonded over our mutual love of you, your show and your two idiotic presenters [bet the BBC makes you hire them because they’re minorities]. Because they wouldn’t be anything without you and we’d be sorry very much more with you. Please join us or I’ll have to invite Captain Slow and send the invitation via semaphore or Richard Hammond who I’m not sure can even reach into his mail box.
So Jeremy please join us and help me tell my Alfa Romeo what a top of the range model she is. Failing that if you could package the Stig and send him by UPS? I’ll pick up the postage at my end (I’d also appreciate some guidance on what to feed him and how to stop him hibernating).
Looking forward to seeing you soon, one half of your two biggest fans.